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Monday, 07 March 2016 16:43

Too broken to make a whole, embrace your abstractness

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Could mother goose be suffering from a broken heart when she wrote “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, and the king horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again”?

Poor Humpty Dumpty!

A man was placed in the liking of a fragile egg and that egg could signify a big heart that most of us do tend to possess. The walls are relationships that should grant us some security and stability but the stumble that takes us to the great fall that causes the fragile heart to shatter on the ground we so desperately tried to avoid may be those words we can’t unsay or the actions we can’t undo or the words we should have said or the actions we should have done.

Many suffer from such a plunge throughout their lives. No matter how we try to undo and live past those mistakes that caused such a shattering blow we remain forever broken, swept into a corner of life, wallowing in self-pity and insecurity. Sometimes you meet someone who is willing to work with your cracks but the psychological damage was so great that if not careful you damage that person’s feelings just for trying because you may even question “what do I have to offer? To whom can I make a whole? Why would someone want to even bother with me when there are so many others out there which do not need fixing?”

Questions upon questions, and despite the obvious that even you can be loved you still manage somehow to convince yourself that ‘I can never compete with what’s out there so best I let my desire to be wanted and be loved get swept under the rug where all the other pain remains’.

Paige was a beautiful and very talented young lady but if anyone ever has misfortunes it was her. The scourges of being a battered child, raped, confused sexuality, promiscuous, multiple failed relationships, miscarriages and failed business ventures, to name a few; drove her to feeling like a book that always ended up back at the second-hand book store, waiting to be withdrawn from the shelves when the keeper realize it’s too tattered and worn to go through another hand.

Paige’s heart was bigger than her brain, her emotions ran wild like weeds and she was open like a well so it was no surprise that her pain ran deep beneath her façade of happiness. For many years she was a victim of an abusive husband who never cared to even start a family with her – a deadly blow to that marriage which almost cost her life.

She was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumour and for once her husband, who loved to fight, took flight instead. Several surgeries and treatments left her mentally and physically disfigured and at this point Paige was sure, after several attempts at plastic surgeries to fix her picture perfect face, death may have been less of a hassle.

She was a giver, a pleaser; because she felt this was how she would turn others attentions away from the chips and cracks, even she wouldn’t notice them because she would be too busy making others pleased.

Everyone came and chipped away at poor Paige but she always found the strength to go one more round; boxing aside her real issues, she never closed her wounds. Paige was convinced she would die young and alone from a broken heart and broken body. No matter how loving, kind and sweet she was, no one wants to stay with an emotional wreck. And those who wished to stay, the conditions were so constrained it choked her very soul.

She developed a hobby to rescue and find homes for abused and homeless animals and when I asked her why she chose this over all the other options she said “…the need to feel needed; and besides, the animals never looked at me with scorn and pity and they never said I’m ugly…”

But God had plans for Paige’s life and she was shock when one of her doctors asked her out with the intention to court her. For sure it’s not easy to love a woman who sees herself as damage goods but he married her and they made a house, a home with their children.

She still has work to do on understanding that her exterior is just a fraction of her whole and her husband is along for the ride because he fell in love with her soul more than he did with her face. It’s now their job to teach their children to understand and embrace uniqueness of themselves, her and others in a world where people tend to ridicule and fear it. The ones who hurt her and left her just couldn’t handle her strong and beautiful soul.

I still describe love as an unruly emotion, we have to be careful how we just let it run wild because it may get us trespassing on grounds even bad dogs beware of. Sometimes we expel too much love too fast or too little too slow and at times to the wrong persons and you find yourself having sleepless nights alone wondering where did you go wrong.

But even love has side effects if you overdose or has inadequate supply. So the equilibrium is of utmost importance. Depression comes into play when the love you give is not returned in equal part but ask yourself these questions: Do I love myself? Am I loved by others? Can I love others?

If you’re not sure or your answer is closer to ‘no’ then it’s time to stop being available. Take yourself from the dating scene. You’re doing yourself more harm than good. Time to work on you and only you! Dig deep and start dealing one by one, from the hardest to the lesser of your internal issues and get past them. You’ll find as you lift that pretentious life away you may become so appreciative of that forsaken marble flooring of a life so beautiful and strong.

You never knew being with yourself could be so wonderful until you start to appreciate the abstractness of you. You will make someone happy because you add to the value of his or her life and they too will acknowledge you for all the right reasons.

As I was scrolling down my Facebook page news feed I came across a quote Lady Gaga posted, captioning a photograph of her kissing presumably her partner at the 2016 Oscars. It said: “I never thought anyone would love me because I felt like my body was ruined by my abuser. But he loves the survivor in me; he’s stood by me all night proud and unashamedly. THAT’S a real man.”

The next day a post was put up on a popular radio station’s social media page of her in her evening gown, criticising her dropping cleavage but for sure the comments never ceases to amaze me how unkind and insensitive both women and men alike can be. This is a woman who is bursting out of her insecurities and ready to love her ‘weirdness’. But there will always be critics, right?

Before you start feeling ‘oh well I’m oh so broken and unworthy’ note; you’re not the only person in the world who is flawed. The one who could not reciprocate your love and appreciate you for you could also be undergoing diverse effects of the great fall.

It’s true what they say; some really good sex followed by wonderful cuddling can make anyone feel in love but an excellent sex partner doesn’t always means an excellent love/life partner. So he or she makes you reach cloud nine in the bed but when it comes to settling down and treating you like a part of their life or being there when you are at your worst, you may wake up face down in a puddle of mud. Sure everyone has a type that they are instantly attracted to but if we can get past the superficial we will find the wealth of genuine mind and heart ready and willing to love and care for you despite the odds.

Some of us build walls with bricks from our past around our heart, blocking ourselves in and others out. But as much that is asked of you is also required, so if you want to be loved you must be willing and ready to love.

In closing, no matter what curve balls life may throw your way – and they come in various forms like illnesses, financial constraints, mental and physical diversity, family woes and all the others we use as blocks – please know that the artist in his work choose to be different with each piece to keep his gallery interesting. God knew everything we would go through in life when He created us but imagine a world without variation. There’s nothing wrong being weird if that’s what you are. You don’t have to fit any mould. Vibrate at your highest frequencies and you will attract the right souls at the right time for the right moment.

Zion Syke is a Jamaican phlebotomist. Send your feedback to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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