Mental Health | Breaking up but living in the same house for the sake of the children

What is Psychotherapy?
Some psychotherapists are counsellors who are trained to give you guidance about how to solve your problem. Some of us are therapists who use specific psychological tools to also help you with the problem. I am a cognitive behavioural therapist and i use cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to help my clients. Some of the problems that people go to counsellors or therapists for are to do with anxiety, trauma, bereavement, marriage, relationship problems, panic attacks, problems sleeping, problems with drugs or alcohol, poor concentration, worry, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, internalised racism, poor mood regulation and so on.

One of my clients (let’s call her Susan) is going through a break up with her husband. What makes things even more complicated is that they have children together and both parents are still living together in the house. They have decided that neither of them should leave because they want to keep things as normal as they can for the children. They share the childcare and the house chores like they always did so that on the outside everything remains the same. She came to me because she was depressed and was finding it hard to keep “pretending” for the children. Sue was unable to sleep because she’s worried over and over about the situation, she’s worried about her future and whether she could be happy with someone else, would she ever find someone else and how this would impact the children. She also put on weight because she was overeating trying to make herself feel happy. These are some of the symptoms of depression, constant worry and trying to solve a problem by thinking about it all the time.

For some people when they are depressed, they stop eating or their alcohol consumption increases, so depression can look different in different people. However, one common feature of depression is that there is a consistent low mood even when you are doing something that usually makes you happy, the mood persists regardless of what you do. Susan was experiencing this feeling and it was getting in the way of her relationship with friends and family, it even impacted how she interacted with the children.

One of the treatments for depression is called behavioural activation, which is one of the ways in which cognitive behavioural therapists help people who are depressed to find pleasure and fulfillment the things that they used to do by finding ways to start doing them again. That might sound easy to do but a barrier to recovery is the way the person is thinking about the things they use to like doing. For example if you used to like cooking and found it pleasurable and it gave you a sense of achievement, imagine that instead the idea of cooking made you think how terrible you were at cooking and that perhaps you should not bother since everything you do taste awful now. Or you started to believe that no-one liked your food any way so why bother? Can you see how those thoughts or ideas and feelings might make you avoid cooking? So Susan and I worked together to gently challenge her ideas and understand them as being in the context of depression and not a regular part of her personality.

If you need some help and would like to speak with a therapist or counsellor, you can contact your general practitioner who will point you in the right direction. Keeping in contact with friends and relatives is also helpful and can keep you mentally healthy when your mood is low.

Have you or someone you know experienced these kinds of symptoms? How did you or they overcome the feelings? Are you feeling exceptionally low in mood now? I would love to hear from you so please join the conversation.

Cloudette Hancel, BSc. PGDipRN3. PGDip. BABCP (Accredited) is a certified cognitive behavioural therapist of over 25 years based in London, England. Born and raised in the UK to Jamaican parents, she is the founder of the Koseshi Clinic. For feedback email koseshiclinic@gmail.com or editorial@oldharbournews.com.