The 6 most important decisions you’ll ever make

First I would like to say what an honor it is to be here today and to get a chance to speak to these young ladies. I use to run a Girl’s Program in Florida and I really enjoyed my time shaping young minds there. Today I am going to talk about something my father always said, “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail”. And the impact such a statement can have on your lives as you are entering what can be the most exciting time of your life or the most scary. YOUR CHOICE.

On a physical level, many of you are going through the physical changes of puberty and all the emotions that arise with that. It is a time when you have a lot of questions about your body and the changes its going through, about your feelings and emotions. And it’s a time, when if you are not careful you may listen to stupid people and do things you were not really ready for and have to suffer the consequences for a very long time.

It is a time when we adults acknowledge that you are no longer a child, but not quite yet an adult. You are in that strange place called adolescence and the teen years. It is an exciting time and an equally scary time. It is a time of much reflection and a time when you cultivate habits – good or bad. Your choice.

It is a time when if you get bad advise, it can have long term negative consequences for you. It is an important time, one you should all look to with anticipation and wonder. Yes it can be scary, but with the proper tools you can conquer your fears. I remember my oldest son, Karl at 14, showing me a list he had made of his goals. It was one page, and it spoke of what he wanted to do in life. It included getting a job while in high school, finishing high school and going to college. He spoke of how he wanted to develop himself. I remember sending that list out to my relatives that Christmas, because I was so impressed that he was so focused, and I wanted to share this with the family. He had a plan and he did not plan to fail.

I have seen him go on to work that plan and graduate from college, student of the year, and student government senator of the year. Spent his summers on internships and had a job offer before he graduated. It makes a difference when you have a plan. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. This is a time when you need to reflect more and begin to make choices that will impact the rest of your life.

Author Sean Covey calls it the six most important decisions you’ll ever make; and he is right. What are these decisions?

• SELF WORTH
• SCHOOL
• FRIENDS
• PARENTS
• DATING AND SEX
• ADDICTIONS

SELF WORTH
• Who are you?
• What messages are you giving yourself? What sound is going on in your head? Is it negative? Do you say I am a failure, Oh I am no good in math, I can’t write, I hate reading, I will never amount to anything. Has anyone ever told you this?
• Or do you tell yourself you are a good person, you have a lot of talent, you are going to be successful in life. You can do it, if you keep trying? I may have problems with the math, or science or writing or reading, but if I keep practicing, if I ask my teachers for help, If I get a tutor, I will get better.
• What do you believe about you?
• Will you chose to like yourself?
• Start reflecting- do a journal, reflect each day on you. The things you did, were you happy with your decisions. How will you change to get different outcomes. Remember- The most important person in the world to you is you. Will you value you? So I want you when you go home to look in the mirror and tell you, “I love you.” And make that a habit. Learn to love you. If you don’t love you who will? Anything you don’t like only you have the power to change it.

SCHOOL
What are you going to do about your education? How many of you look at your report cards when it comes in and are shocked? Didn’t you get interims every three weeks that showed you how you were doing? How many think it’s ok to get C’s and D’s? How many get all A’s and B’s? In my house we only accepted A’s and B’s because we knew they were capable. Your job right now is to go to school and do the very best you can, behave yourself, get good grades and think about future jobs and careers. Do you all know why we send you to school? Not to get you out of the house for a few hours, or for them to babysit you. But to give you an education, knowledge and core skills that you need to fit into society. We want you to become successful adults. Those who plan to get a job after high school and /or go on to college need to get good grades and finish high school. Employers will be looking at how important your schooling was to you to see what type of employee you will become. To see if they even want to give you a job. Some of you may want to learn a trade, attend one of the hightech centers and learn a skill that people will pay you to do. So I want you to start paying attention to your grades, start making more of an effort, spend time on your homework. Take pride in your assignments. They represent you. You need some of that knowledge so you can get a job to support yourself and your family. From my children were young I told them I expected them to go to college. They would have to do well in school and earn a scholarship. All four went to college and graduated in four years, top of their class and are working in careers that satisfy them. One is a Community Banker, the other was an Attorney, the other an Engineer and the last an Occupational Specialist. There are all types of scholarships including those for youth who are the first in their family to go to college. So stay focused, doing well in school will show that you are capable of doing well after high school. Stay focused.

FRIENDS
What type of friends will you chose and what kind of friend will you be? Look around, who are your friends? Are they people your parents would be proud of? People you can hang out with and not get into trouble? Are they doing drugs, causing trouble and creating problems for themselves and you? Are they a menace to the community or are they people you can depend on? Are you a good friend? Are you causing trouble and misleading others? Some of you want to be popular. But does being popular mean you have a lot of friends you can depend on? .Real friendships take time to develop. Friends ask things of each other. Real friendships require time and patience to build trust. It is better to have a few good friends you can talk to when you have problems and who can come to your house and be in the presence of your family, than a whole heap of “friends” who when something happens you can’t find any of them. Who are your friends? They say show me your company and I tell you who you are. Begin to take stock and begin to have a criteria. Don’t just accept any and everybody. Learn to have a standard and don’t let anyone use and abuse you and then tell you they are your friend. Remember “A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope.”

PARENTS
Are you going to get along with your parents? How many of you get along with your parents? The common trend today is to assume every teenager is going to have problems with their parents so when it happens you accept it as the only choice. BUT IT IS NOT. It is a choice. If you choose to, then you need to find ways to get along with them. This usually means talking more to them, having meals with them, telling them what is going on in your life, being respectful, doing your chores, telling them where you are at without them asking. Asking before you go out. Showing them respect, not shouting, swearing and cursing at them. Sharing your joys and disappointments and talking to them about their lives. Where they are from, how they were as a child, the struggles they have gone through to get here and to raise you. Ask your parents, what their hopes for you are, and what their dreams for themselves are. Encourage them in their dreams so together you can all be stronger as a family. Many times your parents are coming from bad experiences, they may have had parents they did not get along with, and so they repeat the cycle. Seek counseling to help build your relationships. If you don’t have a good relationship with your parents then find an adult, another family member who you trust, who you can get to help you build a relationship with your parents or guardians. Some of you live with grandparents or aunts and uncles. Believe me it will make your life smoother if you learn to get along with these people who are your closest family members, building bonds and trust. Learning to help each other. If you have problems doing this then talk to your teachers or guidance counselor. Try to get a mentor, join organizations that work with youth and have workshops for parents. Sometimes you can’t have a relationship with them, because they are abusive or don’t wish to have one with you. Sometimes they are dead or you never met them. These can be sad thing and require your acknowledgement of the hurt that this may bring. But do something about it. Sad as it may be, you have to move on. Find another relative who you can bond with, talk to, trust. Talk to your teachers, your friend’s mom or dad. Find another adult to mentor you. This is important. We all need someone to look up to, and sometimes our parents disappoint us, so find someone else who can guide you and let them. Acknowledge your feelings and get help.

DATING AND SEX
Who will you date and what will you do about sex? Do you have a criteria for the person you want to date or do you just go out with anybody because they ask? Do you like someone just because of the way they look, or do you get to know them better, through informal gatherings, like going to the movies or other events with other friends. At your age you should be hanging out with groups of friends, both boys and girls and not looking to have that one on one just yet. As you get older, then one on one becomes more appropriate. Just as you should have a criteria for your friends as it relates to their behavior, you should also have one for your dates. You should know up front what behavior you find offensive and will not tolerate. Do not go anywhere where you may have someone put something in your drink and you do not know, or some place that you could become vulnerable because you do not know anybody else there. That is how date rape occurs. Protect yourself by thinking ahead, don’t get caught up in the moment. Traveling with friends and group dating is always the best thing. Hopefully they can protect your interest if something should happen to you. Sex at your age, 13 to 20 having a child could derail your path for a long time. And this is for the boys as well as the girls, because that child will have to be taken care of. And if you make the babies you should take care of it. If you want to be able to be a teenage and enjoy the things teens do, then you really need to think about this. Having sex too early, and having kids can really derail your plans for completing high school. Most teens who start having children before graduating from high school, don’t usually graduate. Give yourself a break, do not let your friends and peers pressure you into doing it because they are. There is no rush.

Young women, your body is your temple. Value it and don’t let some careless boy use you. Young men, your body is a temple , don’t let some careless young woman tempt you. Focus on your education. Save sex for when you are really an adult. You will enjoy it more and you will be better able to handle the responsibility and emotions that come with it. Your body, your decision. Value yourself.

ADDICTIONS
What will you do about smoking, drinking, drugs and other addictive stuff? I am sure some of you have friends who smoke, or drink, or do drugs? Some do all three. Look at them, do they look ok to you? Some have issues and problems at home, so they begin to drown them in alcohol or drugs. Be a friend get your friend some help. Do not join in the behavior. Don’t be tempted. One time is too much. Help them to see that they have a problem. Help them to get help. There are many programs for youth that address this issue. Encourage your friends to get help, go with them to get that help. Support them. These are the 6 most important decisions you’ll ever make. Because guess what? It is up to you. So start taking stock of yourself. By the friendships you have, the clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the way you behave. The things you say. How well you are doing in school. Are you happy with you, if not what do you need to do to be happy? How do you change bad habits? Only you can change you. I can provide guidance, advise, mentoring, but only when you, want to believe in you, and take personal action, will it get done. Do you have a spiritual belief? Many of you are born into a particular religion that your parents espouse and you do not take enough time to find out about. Study it, reflect on why your parents value it and what does it mean to you. What part of it can strengthen you. Ask questions, seek answers. And learn to find your own path, your own source of strength, your own interpretation. Personalize it and make it real for you.

Soon your counselors will begin to ask you to identify what jobs you are interested in. SO pay attention, start observing what the adults around you are doing. Identify three jobs you would like to have. Find out what the qualifications are to get the job. Make a written plan on how you plan to get those qualifications including what you need to do academically to achieve that. Look at your report card. Identify areas you need to improve in and ask for help. There is no dumb question, only people who become dumb from not asking questions. Read. Locate someone in that field and ask if you can shadow them for a day to see what that job is like. Take notes. And do not be afraid to change your mind. Remember it is your life and only you can live it, so start taking charge of your future.