Conquering Fear and Anxiety: 'I hated going home'

At only eight years old, there were many changes that happened in my life. I became more aware of my surroundings and the meandering, treacherous road that lay ahead of me. This awakening was perhaps too much for a young child, but one in which I had no choice but to accept.

With both my parents missing in action, at that tender age life threw me many curve balls, some of which kept me up late at nights even into my teenage years.

While my new found Uncle was a blessing in disguise, there were many aspects of my young life that wasn’t smoothing sailing. While my grandmother and my aunts and uncles did their best to care for me, it was still difficult for them as most of them were fairly young as well. 

My grandmother was a housewife, while my grandfather after his career ended with the bauxite company was now a farmer.  With most of the children grown, and having exited the nest, they were also trying to find their footing in the world. The older ones, well they were busy living their lives, including my father.

As luck would have it, that same year, my grandmother left the family home to live in another parish with her first set of grandchildren. One of my aunts and her husband had migrated and my grandmother became the caregiver for their children. I was very sad, and it seemed like everyone was leaving me.

I grew up pretty fast after that! My grandmother’s last child also left to live with her shortly after; I was left alone with my grandfather. This is where I developed my resilient and hardworking spirit, as I had to learn how to do pretty much do everything on my own.

I wasn’t left to the whims and fancy of the world though, as arrangements were made for me to be taken care of, but they fell by the wayside after a while.

I had to visit my neighbour’s house to get my hair done, but after a few trips, it became overwhelming. I either had to wait for a very long time, or they didn’t have the time after a while. After many attempts and my hair looking like a ‘fowl nest’ I eventually mastered washing and combing my own hair.

Eventually, I also learnt to wash my own clothes, not that I had much of those either, but they were clean after some practice.  Ironing my school clothes became relatively easy; I think that was the easiest thing I learnt to do.

By the time I was nine years old, I basically did everything for myself. I was still the ‘A’ student, doing all my school work and home work alone. For some strange reason it came naturally, and in addition to the house chores, I was pretty much alone most of the times.

When I wasn’t in school, I was on the farm with my grandfather; he would wake up at the crack of dawn, and disappear into the bushes, only surfacing for food or water. To this day, I still wondered with all his ailments, how he managed to work on the farm for such long hours, and was still as strong as an ox.

He ensured that I still attended school, and best believe that I could not be late in coming home. I could not loiter on the road, or go off with my schoolmates or the other children in the community. Like a horse, with blinkers on, rain or shine I had to head straight home.

I was still a child and made many mistakes and I got more than my fair share of ass whoppings; with scars on my body even to this day. I was no longer allowed to be a child. I had grown up over night! For whatever reason my grandfather was always angry at me or something and I became his beating stick.

My friends at school; would often see the blood-stained scars on my back and would use their jackets to cover it; as my uniform blouse stuck to my back like glue. My teachers never saw it; I knew my parents didn’t care as I never saw them; and my aunts and uncles were all busy living their lives.

I didn’t see them often during this time either as most of them went to visit my grandmother in the other parish. My grandfather also went to visit her as well but he never took me.

Perhaps my grandfather was expressing his frustration with his own stresses, or maybe it was because my grandmother was no longer at home. Perhaps, this was how parenting was done in those days, you know the ever-present phrase, ‘do not spare the rod and spoil the child.’

Whatever the reasons were, I never knew, and I literally felt abandoned! It seemed no one cared! Many nights I cried myself to sleep; and many nights I did not sleep.  It was a nightmare, I prayed would end as I plunged deeper and deeper into a dark world, that no one knew about.

Many nights I dreamed of a dark abyss that I had fallen into, and I never ever saw the light at the end of the tunnel; that runaway train with no driver and no final destination.

Leaving home for school during the week was my only sanctuary. I buried myself into my studies, and read more books than I can recall. I was away from the trauma that had befallen me, and all the time I had to keep quiet. Quiet, because I was clueless as to why all of this was happening to me, and on the other hand, I really had no one to talk to.

I hated going home, and even when I knew I would get another round of beating for getting home late; deep within my soul the longer I stayed away, the more peaceful my mind was. On one hand, I didn’t want to upset my grandfather, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to go crazy. It was six of one, half dozen of the other or better yet damned if you and damned if you don’t!

I was determined more than ever to overcome these challenges. I held on, gritted my teeth, dug my heels in and was resolute that I would not accept my circumstances. I knew there was a God, and I prayed to him earnestly, every day, that he would guide and protect me…

I was still nine years old…

HOW DOES STRESS CAUSE ANXIETY?

Do You Know How To Communicate Stress?

The best course of action when it comes to communicating stress is also one of the trickiest: to be open about it. In some ways, it can feel counter-intuitive to do this.

Stress can almost put you in survival mode. You may feel that if you can just ride it out and deal with it by yourself, you can get back to normal life. Stopping to explain yourself or letting someone else into the picture at that moment can feel like losing control. It can feel like you are making yourself vulnerable at a time when you cannot be.

But, while being open can indeed make you vulnerable, it can also be an empowering thing. It can allow you to take ownership of how you are feeling, to recognise your emotions and to understand them in perspective. Saying how you are doing out loud does not make your problems any bigger, in fact, it can sometimes allow you to see they are not as big as you thought.

How to Manage Stress

Stress can be damaging to many people in many different ways, but it can also be managed. Here are some helpful ways to manage your stress.

Identifying Causes of Stress

One of the first steps to overcoming stress is identifying where the stress is coming from. At times you may not even know what is causing you to feel stressed. You may be experiencing high levels of stress without knowing the root cause.

Once you can identify your triggers, you can begin managing your stress levels and come up with a comprehensive plan to combat it.

Increase Communication With Those Around You

Often our stress levels get out of hand when we’re doing a poor job communicating with others.

There are times in our lives when no one is able to help us with our stress load. Still, there are other times we could reduce our stress through communication. Here are four ways you can use communication to lower your stress.

Communicate in Work and Academics

• Work is a major area that people stress over. When a job is new, you can expect that your stress levels will be higher as you learn how to accomplish new tasks. However, if you’ve been working at a job for a long time and your boss has unrealistic expectations, it may be time to have a conversation. Communication is integral to a healthy work environment.
• The same is true for academics. If the material you’re covering is too difficult, reach out to your professor. They will see that you’re genuinely making an effort and they may be able to find you a tutor or offer help during office hours.

Communicate in Your Relationships

Another common source of stress is relationships with others. Social support is important and relationships are fundamental to a person’s wellbeing. However, when tensions are high with a spouse, roommate, family member, or close friend, our stress levels can be through the roof.

One way to avoid stressful relationships is to communicate early. Instead of waiting until you reach a boiling point, let your friend, spouse, or loved one know when something frustrates you. By expressing frustration or disappointment gently, you can de-escalate potentially stressful situations.

Likewise, we should be willing to listen when a loved one expresses their feelings. Let them explain how things affect them and try not to interrupt or

Talk to Friends, Families, and Loved Ones About Your Stress

Finally, if you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed in life, reach out to someone. Talk to someone about the things that are causing you stress and about the emotions that you’re having.
If you are experiencing chronic stress, you may want to reach out with a professional therapist to help you manage your stress. (SOURCE: www. helpguide.org; http://www.healthline.com; http://www.adaa.org; www.headsup.org.au, www. stress.org)

Keisha A. Hill is media practitioner and communications consultant. Send feedback to kanhillcommunications@gmail.com or editorial@oldharbournews.com. Visit Jamaican Chronicles to read more blogs by the author.